I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
