yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Randomize
