Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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