We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
