woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
