a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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