Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
