I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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