your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Randomize
