Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
