I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Randomize
