I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
