we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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