upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
