I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
