Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
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