He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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