the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
