I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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