Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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