its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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