We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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