I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
