If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
