I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
