I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
