you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
