Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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