On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Randomize
