i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
