I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
