FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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