I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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