My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
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