"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
