were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Randomize
