She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
