you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
