When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
