i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
