And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
i black out too much to be "responsible"
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
