ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
You need Xanax blowdarts
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
