i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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