So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
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