Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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