When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
