You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
