remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
