Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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