Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
