i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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